Dos and Don’ts

So, a Czech woman touched my belly in line at IKEA yesterday. I have to say, that is not one of my favorite experiences. I don’t like strangers, even casual acquaintances, touching me in any way, shape, or form. That feeling only intensifies when I'm pregnant. I know she wasn’t trying to violate me or anything, but I felt like saying, “Um, this is your dance space, this is my dance space, let's cha-cha,” and then moving on with our conversation.

It wasn't only the belly-touching, though. She also made the “You’re due soon, right?” comment. Uhhhhhhhh... no. Try 4 more months.

She was a nice woman, so it's really nothing against her, but those are two of my biggest pet peeves when I’m pregnant. I really need to have a t-shirt made, so that I can educate the world on what not to say to a pregnant woman. It would prevent a lot of awkwardness, don’t you think?

Here’s what I would like the world to know:

What not to say (or do) to a pregnant woman

1) Don't guess how far along she is. If you must, then follow this rule: Before guessing out loud how far along she is, automatically subtract 2 months. Either you’ll be right on, or you’ll make her day.
2) Strike the words big, chubby, and plump from your vocabulary. Replace them with healthy, happy, and glowing.
3) Never, under any circumstances, ask if someone is having twins. Ever.
4) Unless you’re close friends, don’t ask if she plans on having an epidural / breastfeeding / having any more kids. It’s really none of your business.
5) And lastly, if you don’t want her touching your belly, keep your hands off hers!

Here’s what you should do instead:

1) Tell her she looks great, even if her legs are swollen, she has bags under her eyes, and her protroding belly is covered with drips from her recently-devoured ice cream cone.
2) Open the door for her, or better yet, help unload her grocery cart since her pregnant belly makes it almost impossible to reach into the far corners.
3) Surprise her with some Ben & Jerry’s... almost any flavor will do. And don't judge her when she eats the whole cartoon while sobbing through Pride & Prejudice for the 6,000th time.
4) Tell her congratulations. It will make her day, especially when she’s spent the rest of the morning catching glimpses of strangers giving her the ‘ol stink eye for having yet another baby when she’s already contributed to overpopulating the world with the three she already has.
5) Tell her she looks great... again. It never gets old. :)

Hmmmm.
I don't think all that will fit on a t-shirt. Darn.

Ladies, what do you think? Am I missing any pregnancy dos & don'ts? I know I'm not the only one who thinks about these things... right?