Tas'd and Confused

Week 20 is over ... aww, yeah!

There are two main things that happened this past week. First, and most importantly, we got The List, otherwise known as The Dream Sheet! This is the list that shows all the CHP offices accepting new cadets from Jay's class. Sometime during Week 19 (ok, maybe even before that) I started bugging Jay about The List every night. I knew it had to be coming soon. Everyday he'd give me whatever update there was, which was usually something like, "They said we should get it soon." Ummmm.... I don't know about you guys but that's not exactly the kind of response I like to get. I'm all about facts, firm dates, cold hard evidence, things of that nature. However, Jay works for the State, so... I am learning to take what I can get.

The kids and I met Jay for liberty on Wednesday and for once I didn't ask him about The List. We sat and talked and ate for at least an hour before Jay smoothly said, "So, we got this memo today..." and out from his inside jacket pocket he pulls ... The List! I screamed. The other IKEA diners looked around and stared as I continued to loudly exclaim things like "I can't believe it!" or "Why didn't you tell me sooner?!?" or simply, "AGH!!!!" all the while hitting him repeatedly with The List. Luckily the IKEA staff knows us by now, otherwise they might have come over and told me to zip my lid.

Of course the single most important thing on The List is how many cadets the San Jose office is taking. I scanned down and bang, there it was... San Jose is taking 6 cadets! There is no gaurantee that we'll get one of those six spots, of course, but the higher number of openings, the better.

We had to rank the offices in order of preference from 1 to 39, so we spent Saturday night grooving to Neil Diamond ("There are two types of people in this world....") as we discussed, revised, checked out maps, and had heated debates about the merits of East LA over Bishop. In the end we were able to agree 100% on the rankings. Our top 5 are:

1) San Jose (accepting 6)

2) Hollister/Gilroy (accepting 3)

3) Santa Cruz (accepting 3)

4) Redwood City (accepting 5)

5) Hayward (accepting 7)

Overall it looks like our chances of staying within commuting distance are good, but I know better than to count on anything. Please, Lord, just don't send us to Needles!

If you're interested, our bottom 5 are:

35) Fort Bragg (there isn't even an office there!)

36) Arrowhead (boonies, baby)

37) Garberville (Jay calls it Garbageville)

38) Mojave (um, I don't think I need to explain)

39) Needles (uber-boonies)

Ok, so this is turning into the Post of the Century, but I need to tell you about the other thing that happened this week, the event that inspired my post title.

Jay had to stay at the Academy on Saturday (grrrr...) for Taser training. They are the first cadet class to receive this training at the Academy. They started by watching a video of someone getting tased, and then the instructors demonstrated on one of the cadets. The whole time this is going on Jay is under the impression that getting tased is voluntary because, well, they said it was. They divided into 6 groups and Jay helped hold on to a few of his classmates as they got tased. As he listened to the grown men yelping, he thought, "Well, that looks like fun for them, but not for me." When the cadet he was holding was done the instructor turned to Jay:

"K, Fear, you're next."

"Um, Sir, I really don't want to do it." (Remember, this was voluntary.)

"How 'bout you just get over here and do what I say."

Jay's training kicked in, "Sir, yes sir!" So much for voluntary.

Two classmates held Jay under the arm and by the forearm. One of them said, "Don't worry Fear, it doesn't hurt that bad." This coming from a guy that was screaming like Chewbacca only minutes before. For some reason his words didn't provide much comfort.

The instructor hooked Jay up with a prong on his shoulder and another one under his buttcheek. And then... he "rode the lightening." It was like sticking your finger in a socket except much more powerful. So powerful that every muscle between his shoulder and upper thigh seized up and he wasn't able to move them at all. He cried out like all the other guys, and then... it was over. It was a long 5 seconds but Jay has decided that he would be tased again before being pepper sprayed again, without a doubt. I'll just take his word for it.

I have my own tasing story I could share, but it will take waaayyy too long. Let's just say it involves my former neighbor - sans clothes. Ask me about it sometime if you have a strong stomach.

If you've stuck with this post this long - thanks! As a reward, below is a post with pics from our IKEA outings. No, no... no need to thank me. It's the least I can do. :)